George Berger, bad writer
June 22, 2012 at 3:47 pm
Between the summer of 2010 and the summer of 2014, George Berger published the following works of fiction:
struck through are out-of-print, with no plans to become available again. Ever.) Mendacities: July 2010. George’s first book, a quite mediocre YA adventure novel that nobody “got” and even fewer people liked. In paperback and e-book forms, which differed slightly, for reasons exactly nobody cares about. Out of print in early 2013, and unlikely to ever be republished.
Without A Spark: October 2011: George’s second novel, a rather uninspired attempt at writing a thriller, which nobody read. In paperback October 2011, for Amazon’s Kindle e-reader in December 2011, and for all other e-readers in June 2012. To go out-of-print in October 2014.
An Accidental Fastball to the Heart: November 2012: Just your typical girl-meets-girl-and-breaks-her-nose romance novel. Exclusive to the Amazon Kindle as an ebook in November 2012, and available as a paperback in December 2012. Available for the Nook, Sony, Kobo, and Apple devices from May 2013.
Angles & Curves: May 2014: George’s fourth and most likely last novel, a very badly-received young-adult novel about racism, sexism, sexuality, and what, exactly, it means to be human. Published in mid-may in e-book and paperback editions from Queerteen press, to pretty terrible reviews and even worse sales.
Well Met by Gaslight: April 2011. A very wordy very awful early-Victorian adventure story. An e-book only title.* Never According to Plan: July 2011. A very wordy very awful early-Victorian comedy-of-errors, and a sequel to the above. An e-book only title.* Stanley And His Sword: July 2011. A tangled mess of a not-quite-erotica humorous adventure story. Someone somewhere actually read it and liked it, or claimed to, which was something of a first for a George Berger book. An e-book only title, out of print from February 2014.* All The Wrong Reasons: April 2012. A clean YA romantic comedy with neither plot nor redeeming qualities, now out-of-print as an e-book.*
Midnight’s Tale: May 2012. Intended to be George’s last book, then accidentally became popular. A literary tale of love, loss, and livestock. An e-book only title, and a Kindle Single at Amazon. Also an audiobook!*
Hamaika: September 2012. A stupid and pointless urban fantasy, more or less, with gratuitous zombie jokes and confusingly philosophical discussions about food, plus a title and cover everyone hated. An e-book only title, quickly out-of-print.* Breakfast for the Sun God: February 2013. A truly bad story written for a bad anthology of bad fiction that never actually happened. Free at some vendors, unavailable at others. You probably haven’t (and don’t want to) read it and you aren’t missing much, trust me.
Die Leiden des Jungen Ziegenbocks: July 2013. A German translation of “Midnight’s Tale”, exclusively at Amazon. My first and probably only foreign-language edition! (The title translates to something like “The Suffering of the Young Goat”, in case you were wondering.)
Methilgar’s Ring: August 2013. A relatively terrible historical literary epistolary fantasy novella, written to annoy anal-retentive historical-fiction purists and demonstrate why “write what you enjoy!” is terrible advice. An e-book exclusive to the Amazon Kindle, now out of print. Also sometimes known as “The Least Marketable Book in the World”, with good reason. Gorp: A Love Story: December 2013. An unlikable college student and his (possibly) talking cat try to survive meeting an equally unlikable homeless woman. New-adult romance for both people in the world that wanted clean sex-free new-adult love stories. An e-book for the Kindle/Nook/iWhatevers/Kobo readers, and a 200-page paperback. Out of print from February 2014, mercifully.
The Nurse’s Dirty Secret: January 2011. Either a deconstruction or parody of erotica. Or actual, albeit quite horrible, erotica. Depends on who you asked. Written because someone bet me I wouldn’t. Everybody lost. There’s also a reading-group guide. (No, really.) A free e-book that is or was available for download in a couple of places, in a couple of formats. The PDF version was perhaps the most readable, which isn’t saying much.
Grease is the Word: September 2011. A bad attempt to overcome natural verbosity and write an adventure story in 2,500 words or less, for a contest. An e-book only release, it was free at most vendors, and should no longer be available for sale anywhere, now. You’re not missing much.
Nothing Like Love: February 2012. Some kind of short and lackluster YA romance, written for (and rejected by) an anthology. E-book only.
The Crimson Scars: February 2012. Purportedly chick-lit of some sort, and a slightly pointless exercise in practicing-what-I-preach regarding an obscure craft discussion. An e-book only title, now happily out-of-print.
In November 2012, the titles marked with an asterisk above were assembled into the paperback collection Unmarketable Dross, available most everywhere books are sold (ISBN 1480145696, 320pp, MSRP 14.95 USD). A great gift for the enemies in your life who don’t care for e-books!
(Note: Not included on this list are various pseudonymous erotica short-stories, which didn’t sell and are also out-of-print.)